my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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