matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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