i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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