I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
