3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
