I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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