I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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