Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
