I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dating After Heartbreak
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
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And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?