i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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