I met the friendliest cop last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
