Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
