This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
