Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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