True but thats because hes a fetus.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
