He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
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He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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