I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
