...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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