Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
