Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
