I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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