She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
