she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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