maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
