3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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