You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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