we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
