i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
