im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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