If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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