I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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