I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize