feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
