did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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