Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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