Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
