Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
