I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Are we still banned from the library?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
