my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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