Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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