That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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