just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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