Sry I called you an 8
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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