You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
