i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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