i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
