Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
