dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
