I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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