the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
