So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
