Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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