My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
