New invention idea: vibrating tampons
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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