I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
