Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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