Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My ass is underappreciated
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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