I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
